Vote 1 – fuckwit

The election campaign is underway and haven’t the fuckwits come out in droves.  And with footy 8 weeks in, numerous fuckwits are putting their hands up for Chad Medal honours.  This week’s nominees are:

• Unley Council – the arse wipes sent a street sweeper around at 9am to clean up my street.  Nothing wrong with that.  About time the cunts did something useful.  Except at 2pm, they sent the tree cutters around to the same street to cut all the trees back.  End result, there are fucking tree branches strewn all over the street and we now require the services of, wait for it, a street sweeper.  I blame our local member Bob “Go to hell” Schnell.  He’s the sort of fuckwit that wipes his arse before he takes a shit.
• Jay Weatherill – for getting a stiffy while taking a selfie with Bill Shorten.  Insipid cunt.
• Bill Shorten – for getting a stiffy while tongue kissing a nuffy.
• Bill Shorten jogging – nice man boobs, fuckwit.
• Chad Cornes – his SANFL coaching career is off to a great start.  When asked about his side’s pathetic performance against the Eagles, Chad threw a hissy fit and his skirt over his head.
• Kane Cornes – no particular reason apart from he’s a fuckwit.
• Port Adelaide – footy experts are questioning their poor form.  It is simple – no Kane Mitchell, no Port Adelaide.
• Kane Mitchell – in a classic case of “pot kettle black”, the pathetic little squib (remember the 2014 SANFL grand final, Kane?) sledged former Crows date puncher Jared Petrenko with “enjoy your 9 to 5 job”.  Well, Kane, when you get the arse from Port at the end of the season, I’ll look forward to seeing you picking up dog turds off the street next year because that is about all you are qualified to do, except for platting hair.
• Election posters – fucking sick of them.  The only consolation in having Kate Ellis’s mug plastered over every stobie pole in town is at least she is not pictured with her other half (wit), Sturt and Crows apologist, Dave Penberthy.
• Crows supporters – having witnessed the fuckers first hand at Adelaide Oval when the Cats made light work of the lily-livered Crows on Friday night, I am convinced more than ever that Crows supporters are hands down, the dumbest bunch of fuckwits on the face of the earth.  They are stains.  They make Port supporters sound smarter than Travis Cloke.  Or Justin Westhoff.
• Justin Westhoff – didn’t have the kahunas to have a shot at goal to try and seal the game for Port against Carlton.  I was going to say he had a brain fade but that would assume the plonker has one.
• Sydney’s Dean “Twin” Towers – for handing the game to Richmond.  Ever heard of icing the clock with 30 seconds left in the game?
• The Canadian father and son who put a bison calf in the back of their car because they thought it looked cold.  The poor little bastard had to put down after it was rejected by its herd when a ranger tried to return it.  I tell ya what fuckwits, how about on your next adventure, you return a baby white shark to its family and see how you get on.
• Fakamalo Kihe Eiki – the dipstick live streamed his wife giving birth without telling her.  I can’t wait to see the live stream of her kicking his arse.
• The Chicago woman who was killed after her husband followed their car’s GPS navigation off a partially demolished bridge that has been closed since 2009.  If someone tells you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?  The answer was clearly yes for this fuckhead.
• Assistant Chief Constable Rebekah Sutcliffe  – she has been suspended by the Greater Manchester Police after a reported late-night row in a hotel bar with Superintendent Sarah Jackson about who had the “best boobs” while attending the Senior Women In Policing conference. Ladies, ladies, let’s not fight – we all know who has the best boobs – its Bill Shorten (see Bill below and his man boobs hanging down to his knees).

  

• Avery Davis – the 26 year old from Florida told his pit bull to attack police officers but the dog went after him instead.  Does Sarah Hanson-Young own a pit bull?
• Jon Marc Barbour – facing attempted murder and assault charges after he shot his neighbor in the arse after a dispute over feeding squirrels in the neighborhood.  He would have got off scott-free if he shot the bloke for giving him a squirrel grip.
• Gay pastor Jordan Brown – who sued Whole Foods in April for allegedly writing a gay slur on a cake he bought withdrew his lawsuit on Monday and apologized to the supermarket chain for perpetrating a hoax.  I’ve just baked a cake for Chad Cornes and one for his step-mum (see below).

• Prince Charles – “I use homeopathy in animals to cut antibiotic use”. Is that how you get rid of Camilla the Horse’s herpes?

• Caitlyn Jenner – debating becoming a man again.  Aaron Young is having that same debate.
• Antony Kent – the barber has waged war on free facial hair by calling on Government to implement a beard tax.  How about a tax on stupidity too.  That would send Justin Westhoff bankrupt.

• James Hauser – the 47-year-old man was arrested on charges of beastiality. According to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office he agreed to bring his dog to a Holiday Inn on May 4 to meet a woman who he met on Craigslist.Hauser and the woman agreed for him and his dog to engage in sex acts with the woman. The dog, Fred Bassett, refused to comment.

• Markus Meechan – the fuckwit was arrested after teaching his pet dog to do a Nazi salute when it heard the words, ‘Sieg Heil’.  The dog, Fred Bassett, refused to comment.
• An Ivy League professor writing math equations on a plane was inadvertently involved in a flight delay on Thursday when another passenger reported his activity as suspicious.  The woman was concerned that the professor was a terrorist because he was writing strange things on a pad of paper.  Apparently, he was trying to work out whether it was mathematically still possible for Fremantle to make the finals.

The lunatics have taken over the asylum

Fair dinkum.  For fucksake.  Jesus fucking christ.  You cannot pick up the paper these days or watch the news on the box without being confronted by another fucking story about a fuckwit doing a fuckwit act.  This week was no exception.  Just look at this line-up of arse fucks:

• Port Adelaide Enfield Council – the fuckheads have decided in their infinite wisdom to ban cricket balls from cricket ovals.  Next on their hit list is to ban water from swimming pools.  They have already succeeded in banning brains from council.
• Mel Greig – turns out her marriage was just one big prank.
• The Puma – offered $26 for Geelong to beat the Crows but squibbed out and withdrew the offer when he realised he had no balls.
• People who eat bean sprouts – 100 of the fuckwits have contracted salmonella from eating the them.  Fucking bean sprouts – why not just pick a bunch of sour sobs and shove in ya pie hole.  Fucking vego greenies.  Let’s hope Sarah Hanson-Johnny-Young has tucked into a bowl of sprouts recently.
• Scott Hicks – fucking freeloader. Sues his old man, no doubt at the direction of his gold-digging missus.  Greedy cunts.
• Port Adelaide – rumours that one player who may or may not rhyme with joke has been plugging the missus of another player who’s first name may or may not be part of a really shit comedy duo, such as HAMISH and Andy.  We never, ever give up cutting each others lunch.
• Collingwood – how much are you paying Travis Cloke?  Interviewed during the week, big Trav told reporters he needs to “grow a set”.  A set of what?  Brain cells might be a good start you fuckwit.
•  Grant “Can’t” Hackett – has been inundated with offers from the WWE after the superb nipple cripple he delivered to a fellow passenger on a flight from Adelaide to Melbourne.  See the victim’s shirt below.

• The dumb Port Pirie dad – driving a car unlicensed with his four kids without seatbelts but with four bald tyres and a smashed windscreen. How did someone that dumb manage to root someone at least four times??  Then again, Sarah Hanson-Young has backed a sprog out before.
• The Queen – happy 90th birthday you sour old bitch.
• Prince Charles – for reciting Shakespeare on his mummy’s birthday.  Was it “Thou clouted dizzy-eyed ratsbane” or maybe “Thou caluminous pox-marked boar-pig” or perhaps “Thou vicious mole of nature”?
• Prince George – you fucking little cunt. In the fine words of Shakespeare, “Thou venomed unchin-snouted measle!”
• Mark Cosgrove – sacked by the SACA.  KFC’s around the world are rejoicing and re-stocking. Apparently, Cossie is heading straight to St. Joseph, Missouri, where a new 6,500-square-foot McDonald’s franchise has opened and is offering all-you-can-eat french fries.
• Pigeons – especially the one that was eating the food out of Chappy’s dogs bowl. The pigeon died the quickest death of any living thing ever.  The sound of pigeon bones being crushed was funny.
• David Koch – the bald-headed chicken fucker was chuffed that he stitched up a Chinese sponsorship deal for Port Adelaide.  Clearly they have already taken on the Chinese tradition of producing fakes because clearly the Power faked an effort against the GWS on the weekend.
• Geelong – took part in what was arguably the worst game of football ever produced.  FUCKING HANDBALL.
• Jack Snelling – refuses a judicial inquiry into the Health Department he heads/fucks up.  Resign you fuckwit.
• Essendon – they are clearly on the way back with the huge re-signing of Travis Colyer.  Who?? Well, at least it isn’t Travis Cloke or Travis Tuck or the lunch-cutter from the Power.
• AC/DC – the greatest rock n roll band in the world is trashing its legacy by hiring Axl Rose as their new lead singer. Guns N Roses reforming is a great thing but come on Angus, Axl is not part of AC/DC.  Malcolm is gone, Phil Rudd is gone, Brian is gone – its time for AC/DC to hang up the boots.
• Anders Weberg – the Swedish director is making a movie that is 720 hours long.  Apparently, it is the final installment in the Police Academy series. Can’t wait for 720 hours of Michael “The man of 10,000 sound effects” Winslow making siren noises.  Let’s hope Hightower finally finishes the cunt off.
• Arcachon – the French town has decided to create a prosthetic removable penis that can be attached to the statue of  Hercules, in Parc Mauresque after years of vandals stealing the appendage.  Travis Cloke has offered his, once he has finished growing a set.
• Dante Anderson – the 36 year old from  Oklahoma City who reportedly claims to be from the future where everyone is dead was arrested after assaulting an employee and stealing chicken and bacon from a metro fast-food restaurant.  His accomplice was reportedly wearing cricket whites, a Redbacks cap, and was a tad overweight.
• Johnny Depp and Amber Heard – have apologised for dog smuggling.  According to Johnny, “When you disrespect Australian law, they will tell your firmly”.  Now we also have something else to tell you firmly, Johnny, “Fucking stop making crap movies, fuckwit.”  If you make another fucking Pirates of the Caribbean movie we will send the 60 Minutes crew over to Hollywood to kidnap your two fucking mutts.  Fucking weirdo.
• Natural Environment Research Council in the UK – they asked people to name its new $300 million dollar research vessel, but when “Boaty McBoatface” won the vote they overruled the name.  Hopefully in favour of my suggestion, “Fucky McFuckface”.

We’re from Tigerland

Three weeks after the return of The Chad and the fuckwits are flowing like the shit from Jared Polec’s shorts in a contest.

Here are the list of nominations:

• Rolling Stone magazine for devoting four pages to Phil Collins and his “life in 15 songs”.  I can smell fucking crap In the Air Tonight.  S-s-sussudio.  F-f-fuck off.
• Leigh Mathews – am I only the one who finds it fucking infuriating that the first cunt to call for a bloke to get rubbed out for as little as farting near an opponent was one of the dirtiest, filthiest, nastiest pricks ever to set foot on the football field?  Ask Neville Bruns.
• The ankle who has suggested building a hotel floating above the Glenelg jetty.  I suppose it is to match the turds that can be found floating below the jetty.  Or floating around the Bay Oval.
• Collingwood – their main problem is that only 11 players are on drugs.  I wanna know how it is possible to tell whether Travis Cloke is on drugs?
• Richmond supporters. The script for the season has been already written fuckwits – the Tigers will miraculously scrape into the finals, be 6 goals up at half-time in the elimination final against the GWS at the MCG only to capitulate like Jay Weatherill’s intestinal fortitude in the second half and lose by 5 goals. The season has already been nominated for an Emmy for best comedy.
• The kids as young as 13 that are using Tinder – you little bastards, just beware of “RolfH@dblock.co.uk”.
• Mariah Carey for spending $70 million on body insurance.  She is way under-insured given that whale James Packer is bonking her.
• Rock and roll hall of fame committee for inducting Chicago.  That is like Travis Cloke being inducted into the Mensa Hall of Fame.
• The “bowel movement bandit” – police in the US are hunting a bloke who has been shitting on parked cars in Ohio.  The only cars that have been spared are Renaults as Port Adelaide are already doing a bloody fine job in shitting on them.
• The woman who Vince Neil attacked in Las Vegas for asking for Nicholas Cage’s autograph – why the fuck would you want Nicholas Cage’s autograph in the first place, you silly mole?  The bowel movement bandit should pay Nicholas a visit for every movie he has inflicted on the world.  Gone In Sixty Seconds is the story of most Richmond games.
• Tara Brown and the 60 minutes crew – at least you now have a decent fucking story to waste an hour on.
• Ratzilla – the lazy, fat cunt was dumb enough to be caught by this plonker – pictured below –  in Grimsby.  Serves ya right for for downing all those pints of Newcastle Brown ale and consuming one too many bacon butties, ya fat bastard.  The fat, hairy fucker looks remarkably like Wayne Rooney.

• Culture Club for thinking that it is a good idea to tour Australia again.  Do you really have to hurt us with your fucking garbage?  So we get Culture Club and LA gets Guns N Roses.
• Jared Polec (nominated by Chappy) – how the fuck this soft-cock can look his teammates in the eye after a game is beyond comprehension. Without doubt the most gutless prick that has ever laced up an AFL jumper, and that is saying something when you consider the litany of soft-cocks that Port have rolled out over the last 15 years.  Such luminaries as Che “Handonhis” Cockatoo-Collins and Kane “Dribbling retard” Cornes to name a few.  Let’s not forget Adam “Parkland Stalker Heuskes, Chad “Original Dribbling Idiot” Cornes and Troy “Charlie” Chaplin.  Blokes who’s white shorts turn brown at the mere sight of an opposing player within 20 feet of them.  Back to that cunt Polec.  Not only does he rarely move inside the boundary line, when he accidentally did cross into the field of play, he was seen running around the backs of packs hat would have made a champion Border Collie Sheepdog proud.  The difference being the Border Collie is smart, courageous, hard-working and doing what it has been told unlike the flog Polec.  The captain of Port, Travis Boak, was heard to utter the following to Polec on one of his many attempts to get an easy sheepdog handball off Boak: “fuck off cunt.”  Fine leadership.  Ken Hinkley was asked after the game where Port can improve, he said that “sending that rsewipe back to Tea Tree Gully B-grade will be a good start”.  Polec is a cunt.  Get a haircut, ya flog.  Can’t argue with any of that, Chappy. 
• Bob Murphy (nominated by Chappy) – great bloke, brilliant player, legend of the Dogs but nominated for doing his ACL in the last few seconds of the game and enabling those shit and gold coloured cunts from Hawthorn to steal victory from the jaws of defeat.  Toughen up, Bob, surely one leg is enough.  Fucking hell.
• Ryan Shoenmakers (nominated by Chappy) – he’s just shit and to make matters worse, he’s in a great team.  He’s the modern day Tony Elshaugh.
• Jordan Spieth (nominated by Chappy) – the fucking choking prick cost me 10 points in the Classic Sports Tipping competition due to his Greg Norman-esque meltdown at the Masters.  Fucking Yanks, where’s the gun-toting psychopath when you need one?
• Mitch Robinson and Daniel Merrett (nominated by Chappy) – there’s no place for players with special needs in the AFL.  It’s just cruel and humiliating.
• Women’s AFL – see Mitch Robinson and Daniel Merrett.
• Jackson Trengove (nominated by the Puma) – his wife is expected to give birth in September and Jackson hopes she can wait until October so it doesn’t effect his footy.  Let me give you the hot tip, Jackson, it doesn’t matter when in September she gives birth, it won’t effect your footy!  And another thing, isn’t incest illegal?  Not in the Deep South where he is from, I suppose.  Fair dinkum, that imbecile looks like he has stepped straight off the set of Deliverance – squeal like a pig, boy!
• Comic Con – for fucksake, if I see another fat fucking 50 year old bloke wandering around dressed up as Captain Kirk or Obi-Wan-Fucking-Kenobi I’ll fucking light sabre the cunt.

 

A conga line of suckholes

Apart from Kane, there are other fuckwits also deserving of a mention this week, including:

Richmond. The masters of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  What a bunch of dickheads.  They updated their own textbook on how to lose a game from a seemingly unloseable position against a spectacularly crap opposition led by a sub-neanderthal cunt in Travis Cloke.

Paul Roos.  Losing to the Essendon Airport under 11s is his crowning glory as a coach.

This here’s a story about Pauly Roos
A football coach with nothin’ better to do
Than sit around the box, get high, and chew on Allen’s jubes
And watch the Demons bend over, play crap and lose

Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run

David Wildy.  For suggesting that John “No Future” Butcher deserves another chance at AFL level.  Big Willy, all that time you spend with Stephen Rowe and the Cornes family has sent you bonkers.  That is the dumbest statement I’ve heard since Travis Cloke tried to string a couple of words together.  John Butcher will be playing for the Kerang Kunts next year in country Victoria and topping their goal-kicking list with 9 goals 75 points with 42 out on the full.

South Australian State Government.  For the complete debacle that is the O Bahn project.  Just when you think this mob of turds can’t get any dumber then they roll out what must be the biggest waste of taxpayers money since, well,  the last project they rolled out that was a complete and utter fuck-up eg RAH, Pat Conlon’s weight loss diet, Kevin Foley’s anger management classes, Mick Atkinson’s humility lessons, Bernie Finnigan’s internet bill, and Russell Wortley’s perm. They are causing total chaos for commuters for 12 months plus, all for the sake of saving O Bahn travellers 3 minutes in travel time.  THREE FUCKING MINUTES.  Jay, give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch.

The Greens.  If these cunts hold one more candle-lit vigil for some undeserving arsehole then we should send everyone of them to Syria to sort the mess out there.  When was the last time you saw a Greenie hold a candle-lit vigil for a victim of domestic violence?  Where were they when Eugene “The Cunt” McGee got away with murder? Where were you Sarah Hanson-Cunt?  I’ll tell you were she was, she was too busy rooting a tree to care.

The Port Adelaide way.  “We will never, ever give up”.  Bhahahahahahaha.  Pig’s arse!!!  They actually sprout this garbage with a straight face.  Jared Polec is sure living the creed – 4 touches against the Cows!!

We’ve got the Power to lose

In our ballet shoes

Port Adelaide has no aggression

We are the Power from Port

Our winning chances are nought

Port Adelaide has no tradition

We always stop, stop, stop

Won’t go top, top, top

There’s no history in the making

No power to win

We always give in

Another cock up the arse we’ll be taking

Numnuts

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  This week’s 3 votes go to Chad’s brother, Kane (pictured above post-game getting  highly aroused after looking at his stats).

Kane gets the 3 votes for a number of reasons.  Firstly, he is a Cornes, Adelaide’s answer to the Kardashians.  Kane Kardashian. What a Kunt. Like the rest of the Cornes family, he has the incurable disease of conceit.  Talk about Figjam.  This prick truly believes he is the fountain of all knowledge.  Well, he is a fountain alright – when he speaks you’ll have not just a fountain but a fucking waterfall.  He makes a burst water main look like a runny nose. Call SA Water when Kane opens his gob to speak.  No wonder the Fire Brigade accepted him – when he arrives on the scene of a fire they just hand the tosser a dictionary and get him to start reciting words beginning with s – when he gets to “statistics” his job is done.

Secondly, he is just plain embarrassingly hypocritical.  He thinks he is the new hard man of the football media.  But Kane, you are fooling nobody with your drivel.  Noone is going to forget that you were the only footballer ever to be reported for staging for a free kick.  Weak as piss.  Not even Lindsay Thomas or Che Cockatoo-Collins ever got reported for milking frees.  So before you start handing out critiques on other footballers, just remember, as a footballer you will be remembered in the same way we remember Italy’s Fabio Grosso – as a fucking diving cheat.

Not only were you a cheat, but you were arguably the most selfish and self-absorbed footballer of all-time.  Your obsession with your own stats was so bad that Port Adelaide actually banned you from reviewing your stats post-game.  “Never mind if we won or lost, Choco, how many 15 metre dinky kicks did I have?” So selfish were you that you left your club a player down, albeit one fucking shit player, by quitting football once you had achieved the 300-game milestone and join the fire brigade.  You quit 300 games too late.Selfish prick.

Kane was also Port’s answer to Nathan Van Berlo.  Could run a great time trial but a really, really crap footballer.  Can’t kick, can’t mark, can’t play.  At least VB doesn’t stage for frees.

Finally, you are one of those ankles that likes to dish it out but can’t take it.  Take for example, Will Minson’s on-field sledge and and more recently, your attack on loyal Norwood supporters.  Of course you didn’t contribute to either situation.  Just like Kevin Foley never ever contributed to someone wanting to punch him.  Whatever happened to Roley Poley Foley?  Is he working on the RAH site?  Or perhaps doing maintenance at the De-Sal plant?  Or maybe digging up Hackney Road?  Or down at Gillman stitching up another dodgy deal?

Kane is perfectly suited to contributing to the Chadvertiser and 5AA – in other words, he has no talent.  This is the paper that has Ken McGregor on staff as a court reporter.  Ken reports on the big stories like the day the dog ate my homework.  Sterling stuff.  And Mark Bickley is on 5AA – fair dinkum, that Crows apologist is a walking cure for insomnia.

Kane’s Chadvertiser “articles” are the perfect way to move a blocked bowel – I’d rather read Lainie Anderson’s vacuous nonsense in the Sunday Mail (I clearly exaggerate – I’d rather watch Tracey Grimshaw take a dump than read Lainie’s garbage).  No doubt Rucci is showing  Kane the ropes on how to deliver bias tripe.

So Kane gets 3 votes as he can consistently be guaranteed to deliver absolutely nothing of value. Isn’t it apt that a squib like Jimmy Toumpas is now wearing the illustrious number 18 at Port. The tradition continues.  Apart from being hopeless, the other thing that Jimmy and Kane have in common is that they both played for Woodville West Torrens.  Kane is pictured below clearly shitting his dacks for his beloved Eagles.

 

Chad’s back

With the return of Chad to Port Adelaide as coach of their SANFL team, the time is ripe for the return of the Chad Medal.  This prestigious medal is named in honour of Chad and is awarded to the fuckwit of the week.  In his time as a player for Port Adelaide, Chad was truly one of the great fuckwits of all-time, in fact, in my opinion THE biggest fuckwit of all-time.  If there was a fuckwit hall of fame Chad would be the inaugural member and attain automatic legendary status.  Some disagree.  Some say he was a wanker, others suggest he was a cockhead – but let’s not quibble over semantics – surely we can all agree that he is a bona fide fuckwit.

So the Chad Medal is back.  And guess who receives this week’s 3 votes – yes, Chad himself.  Chad made his debut as coach for Port against the Redlegs on the Thursday night clash at the Parade.  Not surprisingly, the Redlegs made short work of the hapless Magpies and won the game comfortably.  Well, Chad, in true Port Adelaide tradition, rather than accepting his insipid side was beaten by a superior outfit (just like the 2014 grand final), he decided to squeal like a stuck pig and instead attack the passionate and loyal band of Redlegs supporters.  Sooky sooky la la.  Chad called the Redlegs supporters the most abusive supporters he had ever encountered.  He sobbed that his players were subjected to unfair taunts.  In fact, it apparently was so bad that his little brother Kane had to leave the ground at half-time but not before Kane collected his stats for the first half.  Well, Chad – harden the fuck up.  If you cannot handle the passionate banter from opposition supporters then pack your bags and head back to the safe confines of Greater Western Sydney where those orange clad nuffys get less support than the Bernard Finnigan fan club.  Of course Chad himself was such a gentle soul on the football field and never once incited the crowd with fist pumps and taunts- pig’s arse – Chad was a deadset fuckwit on the field and now he is continuing that trait as coach.

Chad has to accept that his side was subjected to heckling for good reason.  For a start – they play for Port Adelaide, that alone is grounds for constant derision.  But then consider some of the individual efforts.  Paul Stewart thumped a Norwood player which the umpire over-looked and Stewart smugly played on, Sharrad did likewise and was caught and subsequently rubbed out for a week, Steven Summerton took more dives than Greg Louganis, John Butcher had 3 touches for the game and if he had more Norwood would have won by more, Jimmy Toumpas played like a typical ex-Woodville West Torrens player and as usual Kane Mitchell and Aaron Young looked rather fetching in their delightful man-buns.

So welcome back, Chad, and kudos on gaining 3 votes in round 1 of the 2016 Chad Medal, an outstanding effort.