Fair dinkum. For fucksake. Jesus fucking christ. You cannot pick up the paper these days or watch the news on the box without being confronted by another fucking story about a fuckwit doing a fuckwit act. This week was no exception. Just look at this line-up of arse fucks:
- Port Adelaide Enfield Council – the fuckheads have decided in their infinite wisdom to ban cricket balls from cricket ovals. Next on their hit list is to ban water from swimming pools. They have already succeeded in banning brains from council.
- Mel Greig – turns out her marriage was just one big prank.
- The Puma – offered $26 for Geelong to beat the Crows but squibbed out and withdrew the offer when he realised he had no balls.
- People who eat bean sprouts – 100 of the fuckwits have contracted salmonella from eating the them. Fucking bean sprouts – why not just pick a bunch of sour sobs and shove in ya pie hole. Fucking vego greenies. Let’s hope Sarah Hanson-Johnny-Young has tucked into a bowl of sprouts recently.
- Scott Hicks – fucking freeloader. Sues his old man, no doubt at the direction of his gold-digging missus. Greedy cunts.
- Port Adelaide – rumours that one player who may or may not rhyme with joke has been plugging the missus of another player who’s first name may or may not be part of a really shit comedy duo, such as HAMISH and Andy. We never, ever give up cutting each others lunch.
- Collingwood – how much are you paying Travis Cloke? Interviewed during the week, big Trav told reporters he needs to “grow a set”. A set of what? Brain cells might be a good start you fuckwit.
- Grant “Can’t” Hackett – has been inundated with offers from the WWE after the superb nipple cripple he delivered to a fellow passenger on a flight from Adelaide to Melbourne. See the victim’s shirt below.
- The dumb Port Pirie dad – driving a car unlicensed with his four kids without seatbelts but with four bald tyres and a smashed windscreen. How did someone that dumb manage to root someone at least four times?? Then again, Sarah Hanson-Young has backed a sprog out before.
- The Queen – happy 90th birthday you sour old bitch.
- Prince Charles – for reciting Shakespeare on his mummy’s birthday. Was it “Thou clouted dizzy-eyed ratsbane” or maybe “Thou caluminous pox-marked boar-pig” or perhaps “Thou vicious mole of nature”?
- Prince George – you fucking little cunt. In the fine words of Shakespeare, “Thou venomed unchin-snouted measle!”
- Mark Cosgrove – sacked by the SACA. KFC’s around the world are rejoicing and re-stocking. Apparently, Cossie is heading straight to St. Joseph, Missouri, where a new 6,500-square-foot McDonald’s franchise has opened and is offering all-you-can-eat french fries.
- Pigeons – especially the one that was eating the food out of Chappy’s dogs bowl. The pigeon died the quickest death of any living thing ever. The sound of pigeon bones being crushed was funny.
- David Koch – the bald-headed chicken fucker was chuffed that he stitched up a Chinese sponsorship deal for Port Adelaide. Clearly they have already taken on the Chinese tradition of producing fakes because clearly the Power faked an effort against the GWS on the weekend.
- Geelong – took part in what was arguably the worst game of football ever produced. FUCKING HANDBALL.
- Jack Snelling – refuses a judicial inquiry into the Health Department he heads/fucks up. Resign you fuckwit.
- Essendon – they are clearly on the way back with the huge re-signing of Travis Colyer. Who?? Well, at least it isn’t Travis Cloke or Travis Tuck or the lunch-cutter from the Power.
- AC/DC – the greatest rock n roll band in the world is trashing its legacy by hiring Axl Rose as their new lead singer. Guns N Roses reforming is a great thing but come on Angus, Axl is not part of AC/DC. Malcolm is gone, Phil Rudd is gone, Brian is gone – its time for AC/DC to hang up the boots.
- Anders Weberg – the Swedish director is making a movie that is 720 hours long. Apparently, it is the final installment in the Police Academy series. Can’t wait for 720 hours of Michael “The man of 10,000 sound effects” Winslow making siren noises. Let’s hope Hightower finally finishes the cunt off.
- Arcachon – the French town has decided to create a prosthetic removable penis that can be attached to the statue of Hercules, in Parc Mauresque after years of vandals stealing the appendage. Travis Cloke has offered his, once he has finished growing a set.
- Dante Anderson – the 36 year old from Oklahoma City who reportedly claims to be from the future where everyone is dead was arrested after assaulting an employee and stealing chicken and bacon from a metro fast-food restaurant. His accomplice was reportedly wearing cricket whites, a Redbacks cap, and was a tad overweight.
- Johnny Depp and Amber Heard – have apologised for dog smuggling. According to Johnny, “When you disrespect Australian law, they will tell your firmly”. Now we also have something else to tell you firmly, Johnny, “Fucking stop making crap movies, fuckwit.” If you make another fucking Pirates of the Caribbean movie we will send the 60 Minutes crew over to Hollywood to kidnap your two fucking mutts. Fucking weirdo.
- Natural Environment Research Council in the UK – they asked people to name its new $300 million dollar research vessel, but when “Boaty McBoatface” won the vote they overruled the name. Hopefully in favour of my suggestion, “Fucky McFuckface”.
The Chad Medal 