Vote 1 – fuckwit

The election campaign is underway and haven’t the fuckwits come out in droves.  And with footy 8 weeks in, numerous fuckwits are putting their hands up for Chad Medal honours.  This week’s nominees are:

• Unley Council – the arse wipes sent a street sweeper around at 9am to clean up my street.  Nothing wrong with that.  About time the cunts did something useful.  Except at 2pm, they sent the tree cutters around to the same street to cut all the trees back.  End result, there are fucking tree branches strewn all over the street and we now require the services of, wait for it, a street sweeper.  I blame our local member Bob “Go to hell” Schnell.  He’s the sort of fuckwit that wipes his arse before he takes a shit.
• Jay Weatherill – for getting a stiffy while taking a selfie with Bill Shorten.  Insipid cunt.
• Bill Shorten – for getting a stiffy while tongue kissing a nuffy.
• Bill Shorten jogging – nice man boobs, fuckwit.
• Chad Cornes – his SANFL coaching career is off to a great start.  When asked about his side’s pathetic performance against the Eagles, Chad threw a hissy fit and his skirt over his head.
• Kane Cornes – no particular reason apart from he’s a fuckwit.
• Port Adelaide – footy experts are questioning their poor form.  It is simple – no Kane Mitchell, no Port Adelaide.
• Kane Mitchell – in a classic case of “pot kettle black”, the pathetic little squib (remember the 2014 SANFL grand final, Kane?) sledged former Crows date puncher Jared Petrenko with “enjoy your 9 to 5 job”.  Well, Kane, when you get the arse from Port at the end of the season, I’ll look forward to seeing you picking up dog turds off the street next year because that is about all you are qualified to do, except for platting hair.
• Election posters – fucking sick of them.  The only consolation in having Kate Ellis’s mug plastered over every stobie pole in town is at least she is not pictured with her other half (wit), Sturt and Crows apologist, Dave Penberthy.
• Crows supporters – having witnessed the fuckers first hand at Adelaide Oval when the Cats made light work of the lily-livered Crows on Friday night, I am convinced more than ever that Crows supporters are hands down, the dumbest bunch of fuckwits on the face of the earth.  They are stains.  They make Port supporters sound smarter than Travis Cloke.  Or Justin Westhoff.
• Justin Westhoff – didn’t have the kahunas to have a shot at goal to try and seal the game for Port against Carlton.  I was going to say he had a brain fade but that would assume the plonker has one.
• Sydney’s Dean “Twin” Towers – for handing the game to Richmond.  Ever heard of icing the clock with 30 seconds left in the game?
• The Canadian father and son who put a bison calf in the back of their car because they thought it looked cold.  The poor little bastard had to put down after it was rejected by its herd when a ranger tried to return it.  I tell ya what fuckwits, how about on your next adventure, you return a baby white shark to its family and see how you get on.
• Fakamalo Kihe Eiki – the dipstick live streamed his wife giving birth without telling her.  I can’t wait to see the live stream of her kicking his arse.
• The Chicago woman who was killed after her husband followed their car’s GPS navigation off a partially demolished bridge that has been closed since 2009.  If someone tells you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?  The answer was clearly yes for this fuckhead.
• Assistant Chief Constable Rebekah Sutcliffe  – she has been suspended by the Greater Manchester Police after a reported late-night row in a hotel bar with Superintendent Sarah Jackson about who had the “best boobs” while attending the Senior Women In Policing conference. Ladies, ladies, let’s not fight – we all know who has the best boobs – its Bill Shorten (see Bill below and his man boobs hanging down to his knees).

  

• Avery Davis – the 26 year old from Florida told his pit bull to attack police officers but the dog went after him instead.  Does Sarah Hanson-Young own a pit bull?
• Jon Marc Barbour – facing attempted murder and assault charges after he shot his neighbor in the arse after a dispute over feeding squirrels in the neighborhood.  He would have got off scott-free if he shot the bloke for giving him a squirrel grip.
• Gay pastor Jordan Brown – who sued Whole Foods in April for allegedly writing a gay slur on a cake he bought withdrew his lawsuit on Monday and apologized to the supermarket chain for perpetrating a hoax.  I’ve just baked a cake for Chad Cornes and one for his step-mum (see below).

• Prince Charles – “I use homeopathy in animals to cut antibiotic use”. Is that how you get rid of Camilla the Horse’s herpes?

• Caitlyn Jenner – debating becoming a man again.  Aaron Young is having that same debate.
• Antony Kent – the barber has waged war on free facial hair by calling on Government to implement a beard tax.  How about a tax on stupidity too.  That would send Justin Westhoff bankrupt.

• James Hauser – the 47-year-old man was arrested on charges of beastiality. According to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office he agreed to bring his dog to a Holiday Inn on May 4 to meet a woman who he met on Craigslist.Hauser and the woman agreed for him and his dog to engage in sex acts with the woman. The dog, Fred Bassett, refused to comment.

• Markus Meechan – the fuckwit was arrested after teaching his pet dog to do a Nazi salute when it heard the words, ‘Sieg Heil’.  The dog, Fred Bassett, refused to comment.
• An Ivy League professor writing math equations on a plane was inadvertently involved in a flight delay on Thursday when another passenger reported his activity as suspicious.  The woman was concerned that the professor was a terrorist because he was writing strange things on a pad of paper.  Apparently, he was trying to work out whether it was mathematically still possible for Fremantle to make the finals.